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Relationships

Everyone gets disregulated sometimes, and when we’re in a state of disregulation we are more likely to trigger old responses from Trauma or trauma.

When we’re in that state generally people can respond in one of three ways:

A supportive re-regulating way.

An unsupportive way that either doesn’t help or even worsens our disregulation.

They can get triggered too.

In a healthy relationship mostly the first happens.

The second can be dealt with by teaching new skills/responses.

The third one is the hardest to deal with. Both people need their own therapist and a couples therapist is needed to help re-regulate both during interactions. It’s a lot of painful work and most often is easier to end the relationship and find a less challenging pairing.

For those recovering from anything really, if someone doesn’t already have their own therapist/recovery group, that’s a huge red flag.

The two choices are they don’t need one, or they need one and don’t recognize it.

If they go to therapy for you instead of for themselves, that doesn’t really work.

The likelihood that they don’t need therapy is pretty slim, especially since we tend to be drawn to our counterparts or people who feel familiar. And if they are drawn to us, it’s probably the same for them.

So it’s pretty safe to assume that if they aren’t doing recovery work, that’s a huge red flag and we should run the other way and that we’re not passing up the magical unicorn that doesn’t need to do recovery work and is still interested in being our partner.

For more info read How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids or watch some School of Life or Heidi Priebe YouTube videos on trauma & relationships.

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Only the good die young

I wonder how old that saying is?

How long have we known what science only recently figured out?

Here’s how it works: stress hormones suppress the immune system.

The immune system doesn’t just fight off disease. It also cleans up dead, dying, misbehaving and malfunctioning cells.

That means a properly functioning immune system prevents cancer and autoimmune diseases.

There are three ways of dealing with stress.

  • The healthy way.
  • Explode outward.
  • Turn it inward.

The third one results in people pleasers who are too nice for their own good – literally.

The first two both release stress. The third lives with chronic low levels of stress suppressing their immune system.

In Gabor Mate’s book The Myth of Normal it talks about nurses accurately predicting ALS diagnosis based on how nice the person was.

Folks with autoimmune issues talk about “flares” when symptoms flare up after over exertion. The interesting thing is that it happens after – the increased stress during over exertion temporarily suppresses symptoms. When the stress and accompanying hormones decrease and the immune system ramps back up, either ignored issues get addressed or symptoms that were there before but you had acclimated to have to be readjusted to.

So either problems piled up and your immune system has to pull out the big guns or the temporary relief from symptoms reminds you how bad things actually always are and a “flare” is just how long it takes you to readjust/dissociate again.

I like to use the metaphor of shoes sometimes. You put them on in the morning and they fit fine. You walk and stand all day. Maybe they’re a little tired. You finally take off your shoes and it’s such a relief! If you have to put them back on for some reason, now they’re too tight and it really hurts. The thing is, they were too tight and painful before you took them off, you just didn’t notice because you slowly adjusted to it. Even if your feet suddenly swelled – that’s your immune system kicking in and trying to repair things.

I’ve been told that you can actually lose about 70% function in some cases before you start feeling pain.

Human bodies are amazingly resilient and redundant.

Books

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Acceptance

Accepting that toxic love is not love to hold onto is where I found relief from pain.

It acceptance feels like being bathed in balm, so peaceful and calm and serene to no longer be clinging tight to pain. Letting go is terrifying, but the freefall of freedom and uncertainty can also feel like flying with the wind brushing past you.

Buddhism books:

ACT – Acceptance & Commitment Therapy: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy

The Serenity Prayer: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer

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Death by a thousand cuts

Trigger warning – In case the title isn’t warning enough.

Originally it was a form of torture.

It’s now also a metaphor for emotional pain.

Similar to: the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I keep coming up with different metaphors and descriptions.

One was that I’ve been walking around my whole life with my arms across my stomach holding my guts in and hiding my wounds. And I recently realized it’s not my fault I have this deep, disgusting, excruciating wound and I don’t have to protect others from knowing it exists. So now I’m walking around and my guts are hanging out (see my post on CSA – The Hidden Epidemic) but my back is straight and my arms are free.

Other times I feel like I’m walking around with all my skin flayed off and just oozing a seeping layer of blood. If people could see it, they’d ask “how are you alive?!” and “why are you not getting care and treatment?!”

I was thinking about how I’d much rather be stabbed through the heart with a sword than suffer death by a thousand cuts. Having experienced both emotionally in relationships, the latter is way worse.

It starts with a few cuts that flay off some skin. No more painful than a bad papercut or a rug burn. But they continue faster than the old ones can heal, but slow enough you can adjust to them and learn to tolerate this new baseline of pain. Especially if you’ve grown up with a massive wound overshadowing all others. Until one day you suddenly realize you’ve been flayed alive, have no skin left and have been living in pain so long you can’t recall what not being in pain was like. And then it continues only now since your skin is gone, flesh is being cut away. Until again you realize you’re one seeping walking wound head to toe. And suddenly now that you realize it, you can’t bear it anymore and scream out or collapse. And finally someone notices – but you’ll die if you don’t stop the bleeding, so they have to cauterize every inch of you. And no anesthetic exists or works. And so you have to suffer even worse pain for the sake of survival. And you have to hold still and be quiet while they cauterize the wounds or you’ll disrupt them and the scarring and residual pain will be worse.

And then when someone bumps into you and you cry because it’s just that bit too much to tolerate and they get mad that you’re overreacting or that you got blood on their shirt where they bumped you…. And you know they don’t understand. But you’re just trying to survive and don’t have the energy to educate them.

The way you survive pain like this is focusing on one step at a time, or the goal. But sometimes you need to pause and remember the whole.

Geez. No wonder I’m so tired. I guess self compassion requires a little introspection. I was forgetting my self. And the whole is overwhelming, sometimes I need to put that awareness away to function. But putting away isn’t the same as denying it exists, which is what I tried to do for a long time.

I’m sorry self, I embrace and accept you as you are.

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Scheduling grief

I didn’t think to share this on my own, one of my wonderful friends suggested it.

I was reading a book in a waiting room and got triggered and was about to break down crying.

I took a deep breath and asked myself if I could wait until a better time. I thought through the day and figured out a time when I’d have more privacy and promised myself I would come back to this and allow myself to properly grieve and that I would do it today and not forget about it or stuff it down trying to ignore it. It was just a temporary pause for a better time.

And it worked, I was calm the rest of the day and when I sat down outside the library before my next appointment when I had about 20 minutes to spare, I asked myself what had triggered that moment originally. I remembered and was right back in it but this time I just curled over my knees and cried and let it out. I think I only cried for 5 or 10 minutes so I even had time to recover afterwards before walking to my appointment.

I’m sure this trick won’t always work, and it requires you trusting yourself (or your systems – like to do lists or alarms).

And when I say I ask myself, it’s more like I ask my inner parts. Something like “Hey gang, can we hold onto this until later today? I promise I won’t forget and just stuff it down.” That’ll be fore another post on IFS – Internal Family Systems.

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Body Autonomy vs. Vaccinations

If your kid has a hard time with getting a shot, how do you square that with teaching them body autonomy?

What we’ve done is focused on your autonomy ends where another body begins.

If you need to spin around with your arms out – that’s fine. But you have to do it where you have space to not whack into someone else, because then you’re not respecting their body.

Vaccines might be trickier to understand for kids. But your right to go out in public and spread germs and avoid a shot ends where infants, old people, immuno-compromised and allergic folks are risking death because you couldn’t tolerate getting a shot.

It’s totally fine to cry and say you hate getting shots. It’s fine to ask for help with your anxiety. It’s not fine to just avoid it.

Here’s some of the things we’ve tried:

As an infant, nursing during or immediately after to soothe.

Spreading out the shots so there were no more than 2 per appointment even if that meant going back in two weeks for an extra appointment.

Having the kid sit on a lap and get squeezy hugs.

Using a blindfold or hat pulled down over the eyes so they couldn’t see.

Breathing practice.

Reading books about it or social stories.

Playing pretend of it (practicing what will happen & what we’ll do). You can try to get really accurate using a cold wet wipe on the arm and something to gently poke with like a pen or knitting needle.

Getting our own shot beforehand so they could see what happens.

Listening to music.

Using Buzzy Bee

Wearing a tank top so they don’t have to feel their sleeve being pulled up.

Having the nurse/doctor show them the needle (what you imagine is often scarier than reality). “Oh, that’s really small.”

Bringing our own preferred bandages.

Treats afterwards to celebrate their bravery and good dead.

Agreeing to pamper them for a couple days after while their arm is sore.

Talk about how they’re literally being a hero and saving lives.

Listening and validation their feelings about getting shots. (It’s scary, it hurts, I’m mad that I have to do it, I’m frustrated & disappointed they haven’t made nasal sprays for everything already. It’s annoying that it keeps hurting.)

Getting anxiety treatment/therapy.

Brushing protocol with an occupatinal therapist to help reduce sensory sensitivity.

This was what we tried and I’m sure there are other strategies out there as well. Just continuing to try to improve the experience and listening to your kid is a good way to reinforce that you’re trying to respect their body as much as possible – without risking other people’s lives.

We also talked about how in extremes, not respecting other people’s autonomy will result in losing ours. For example, adults who commit assault go to jail and lose their autonomy & freedom.

Even if getting a shot is super painful and we get miserably sick for a week every time – those are still temporary. Death is not. And while most often you don’t know who you’ve killed with your germs and you can live in ignorant bliss, sometimes you do – a baby cousin, a beloved grandparent. And you can’t undo what you did, you would just have to live with the regret.

A really informative video about vaccines and the (lack of) risk.

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The Hidden Epidemic

It’s estimated that childhood sexual abuse (CSA) affects 1 in 5 children ages 0-17.

Which means 1 in 5 adults is a survivor of CSA.

CSA is traumatic even if you don’t remember it.

And anyone thinking 0 year old babies aren’t at risk – we know I was assualted by a grandparent when I was 1 something. We don’t know if that’s when it started or just when I was able to verbalize it.

Why am I telling you this?

Because prevention is the cure. And to prevent the problem you have to be aware of it. And if no one talks about it, how can anyone be aware?

Also – it was NOT MY FAULT. And I have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

And neither do you. It’s ok to cry. Better to process the grief than to turn it inward or lash outward.

Ok, so now what? If you’re a survivor – get trauma treatment. Regular therapy most likely won’t help.

If you’re a parent – educate yourself and your kids about consent, body autonomy, tricky people and bad secrets.

Stranger danger isn’t a thing. Strangers are EMTs and store clerks and firefighters who you’ll rarely interact with and will usually be perfectly safe doing so, possibly even life saving.

Tricky people who don’t respect body autonomy and ask kids to keep bad secrets are the dangers. And they’re usually (around 90% of the time) family or friends or other people who aren’t strangers – like some priests and coaches. Just like most kidnappings and Amber Alerts are due to non-custodial parents taking the kid(s), not strangers.

Resources:

Books for adults about trauma:

Books for kids I own:

Books I plan to look into:

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Communicating Stress Levels

I struggle with cPTSD. This is a way I found to communicate with my partner about my status so they can be more considerate without getting triggered themselves.

It’s like living in bear country. People who don’t live in bear country don’t worry about bears at all. I’m always at some level of alertness/activation if I’m not in my safe space.

bear country – I have to be alert for signs of bear, so I can’t be totally relaxed.
bear tracks – I’m relieved the bear isn’t around but disappointed to see its tracks.
audible something – My attention is split trying to figure out if what I’m hearing is a bear.
audible bear – My attention is on the audible bear to make sure it’s not coming closer.
visible bear – Even more focused on the bear and being prepared to move away.
approaching bear – I’m trying to move away from the bear and get safe
charging bear – I’m running away trying to get safe
bear attack – I’m no longer functional (may go non-verbal, etc.)

If you get between me and the bear you’re increasing the danger level for me since I can’t see it. If you don’t move when I ask then I’ll need to move. If you follow me and block my view again then you start to become a bear yourself. If a bear is too close I might become a bear myself in defense.

It has really helped reduce the amount of defensiveness and triggering. I don’t have to explain if they are the bear, I’m the bear or something else entirely (headache, etc.) – I just say “bear” and they give me space.

This is just a metaphor for communication about the sympathetic nervous system and how activated it is — also referred to as being flooded, triggered or dysregulated.